Recognizing a Troubled Marriage
When things have gotten dire enough to seek help, it’s often hard to know what to count on from your spouse regarding the future of your relationship. You desperately want to plant your feet into something solid and reliable. Therefore, it makes complete sense that you’d want to know exactly what kind of person he’s really trying to be.
If you’re weighing whether he is serious about changing the trajectory of the relationship, it’s worth first being clear about what he was doing — coercive control has a shape you can name.
Case Study: Lisa and Joe’s Relationship Dynamics
Lisa recently awakened to the fact that her marriage wasn’t functioning fine. They weren’t “getting through and figuring it out,” and love was not conquering all. She had wrapped her life around Joe, managing the house, the kids, and the schedule to cater to his expectations. Now, several years in, she realized some important issues:
- Joe’s “expectations” randomly changed.
- He did not take her seriously.
- He had no real empathy or understanding of her, nor did he seem to want to.
- The only things that mattered are the things that mattered to him.
Now they’re in counseling because Lisa drew a line in the sand. Suddenly, Joe is all ears, jumping at the bit to cater to her. He wants to know everything she needs different, and asked for a checklist of behaviors to change, He gave her full permission to hold him accountable. And he wrote an apology letter that was poetic and humble. On one hand, he represented the care and attention she has craved all along. On the other hand, it’s unnerving, and she doesn’t trust him for a minute.
The Struggle with Trust and Fear of Falling Back
Lisa is rattled by the counseling process like most of us are. When your relational foundation has toppled, finding your way back to a new, healthy normal feels chaotic and uncertain. When you’ve become very aware that your perspective has been fully persuaded by your hopes and dreams, but that it denies the reality of what you haven’t wanted to see, everything can feel like a lie. It is likely you are struggling to see clearly and trust anything. There is hopeful expectation that “getting help,” is going to fix it all, but fear it won’t be “real change” or you’ll get sucked right back into the same old ugly cycle. There is no way you will let yourself go back to living that life!
Indicators of Genuine Change
So, how do you know if there is real change of direction? How can you trust what you think you see in the counselor’s office or the apology letter? Is there a way to know for sure? There are two elements I tell people to watch for:
- Self-Motivation and Responsibility: Who is initiating/motivating the changes? People are more likely to “own” what is their own idea. Does your spouse take responsibility for catching their own bad behavior and self-correct? Do they show an internal motivation to change, or are they dependent upon you enforcing the change?
- Response to Rejection: How does he/she respond when the “changes” don’t get them what they want? This will indicate if they are operating from a power and control mindset or a relational one. What is the response when you tell them, “No”? Do they act entitled to something from you because they’ve “changed”?
Difference Between Temporary Change and Heart Transformation
Surface change comes easily when it gets the desired result. If your spouse can check the boxes in order to move back in, drop the divorce, get in bed with you, or re-establish engaging with you, he or she will do it because you’ve drawn the line in the sand. But, you didn’t land in counseling to medicate the behavioral symptoms. You came to counseling for a heart transplant. A heart transplant will not be swayed by your response, whether or not you “trust” or “forgive,” or let your guard down. It happens because it needs to happen for there to be deep connection in the relationship. It will be seen in a consistent pattern over time, as opposed to incidences here and there.
The Root of True Change
People will deeply, truly change when they want to. They change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. They change when the root of change comes from their own desire to be free of the strongholds that bind their heart to hiding and self-protection. This is the kind of change that persists even when they must give up manipulation and control when they are told no, and when they have to walk through consequences they don’t want to deal with.
Practical Steps For Your Own Change Process
While you are working through the issues, watching to see how this turns out, keep these things in mind:
- Keep walking, one foot in front of the other, toward becoming the kind of person you want to be.
- Stay grounded, dealing with the day as it happens, and responding to your spouse in the moment, for the moment.
- Pay attention to the signals that will tell you if this is symptom management or root repair.
- Always practice using good boundaries to keep you heading the way you want to go.
Next Steps
Take a breath, first. Give yourself permission to release your spouse to their ownership of their “personhood.” This doesn’t mean you just “shut up and endure.” (That’s where healthy boundaries come it!) But, put your energy into choosing your own steps wisely in the face of what data you are being provided. And, let us coach you through it!
