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When Faith Is Used Against You: Understanding Spiritual Bypassing in Abusive Relationships

If you have found your way to this page, there is a good chance you are carrying something that is very difficult to name — not just because it is painful, but because the very tools you would normally use to process pain have been turned against you.

Your faith. Your theology. The language of love and sacrifice and forgiveness and grace.

What I want to talk about today is one of the most insidious dynamics I encounter in my work with women in destructive relationships — and one of the least talked about in both clinical and church settings. It is called spiritual bypassing, and if you have been living inside it, you may not yet have the language for what has been happening to you. I want to give you that language today.

Because naming something is the beginning of not being controlled by it anymore.

What are safe relationships

Healing from abuse requires more than time—it requires safe relationships. Learn how to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy connections, and discover five key traits of safe people who support your growth, dignity, and emotional well-being.

Do You Have Any Red Flags?

This title is a bit of a trick question. We’re taught to be wary of others, which assumes our “safety” depends on our ability to correctly discern others’ meaning and motives. That is part of the equation, yes. But, it sets us up to live in suspicion and fear.

Healing from Crazy-Making

If you’ve found your way here, it’s likely that you’re feeling discouraged, angry, or just plain exhausted. Maybe you’re tired of being used or walked over. Perhaps you’re feeling lonely, scared, or unsure of your own instincts. You might even be questioning your sanity. Whether you’re desperately flailing or simply in need of better grounding, you’re not alone.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: Recovery

In this part of our series on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, we focus on recovery. Standard, run-of-the-mill approaches are potentially dangerous for couples stuck in power and control cycles. As coaches and counselors, we must protect the victim from further harm and work to potentially bring them to a place of collaboration. The dominating partner must become connection-oriented before collaboration can occur. Which means that couples work is not the first step.

What is your bias?

Another nuance impacting attachment is confirmation bias. This might seem a bit random in the context of trauma, but there is a strong correlation between confirmation bias and resistance to change, thus resistance to healing. What we’ve deeply learned, both intrinsically and extrinsically, determines what we seek, expect, and perceive. When there is a gap in our understanding, we fill it in with our own narrative based upon previous learning. Most often we fill in those blanks with negativity and suspicion. Trauma teaches us what to watch for, what to expect, and how to perceive it.

The “Anyone Else” Test: A Simple Boundary Tool for Recognizing Mistreatment

Most women in destructive relationships spend enormous energy trying to answer one question: why does he do what he does? It feels like if you could just understand his intent, you could either excuse the pain — or finally know how to stop it.

Here’s what I want you to see instead: why is rarely the question that helps. It doesn’t excuse, and it never makes the pain smaller. The question that actually moves you forward is much simpler — what needs to happen next?

That’s where boundaries come in. And I want to give you one of the simplest tools I use with clients to find them.