You’ve been told it’s a communication problem. You’ve been told to pray harder, try harder, extend more grace. But something inside you has known for a long time that this is something else. You’re right.
Healing doesn’t mean pretending you’re fine. “Stop Faking Fine” explores the messy, sacred process of growth, faith, and recovery from trauma and spiritual bypassing.
If you’ve ever said, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” or wondered how to feel normal again after surviving chaos, confusion, and loss in your relationships, this post is for you. Discover three powerful steps to reclaim your identity, protect your soul, and start healing—whether the relationship improves or not.
Healing from abuse requires more than time—it requires safe relationships. Learn how to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy connections, and discover five key traits of safe people who support your growth, dignity, and emotional well-being.
This title is a bit of a trick question. We’re taught to be wary of others, which assumes our “safety” depends on our ability to correctly discern others’ meaning and motives. That is part of the equation, yes. But, it sets us up to live in suspicion and fear.
If you’ve found your way here, it’s likely that you’re feeling discouraged, angry, or just plain exhausted. Maybe you’re tired of being used or walked over. Perhaps you’re feeling lonely, scared, or unsure of your own instincts. You might even be questioning your sanity. Whether you’re desperately flailing or simply in need of better grounding, you’re not alone.
In this part of our series on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, we focus on recovery. Standard, run-of-the-mill approaches are potentially dangerous for couples stuck in power and control cycles. As coaches and counselors, we must protect the victim from further harm and work to potentially bring them to a place of collaboration. The dominating partner must become connection-oriented before collaboration can occur. Which means that couples work is not the first step.
Another nuance impacting attachment is confirmation bias. This might seem a bit random in the context of trauma, but there is a strong correlation between confirmation bias and resistance to change, thus resistance to healing. What we’ve deeply learned, both intrinsically and extrinsically, determines what we seek, expect, and perceive. When there is a gap in our understanding, we fill it in with our own narrative based upon previous learning. Most often we fill in those blanks with negativity and suspicion. Trauma teaches us what to watch for, what to expect, and how to perceive it.
Most women in destructive relationships spend enormous energy trying to answer one question: why does he do what he does? It feels like if you could just understand his intent, you could either excuse the pain — or finally know how to stop it.
Here’s what I want you to see instead: why is rarely the question that helps. It doesn’t excuse, and it never makes the pain smaller. The question that actually moves you forward is much simpler — what needs to happen next?
That’s where boundaries come in. And I want to give you one of the simplest tools I use with clients to find them.
When things have gotten dire enough to seek help, it’s often hard to know what to count on from your spouse regarding the future of your relationship. You desperately want to plant your feet into something solid and reliable. Therefore, it makes complete sense that you’d want to know if the changes being made are “real.” So, how can you tell?
We enter relationships attracted by something—a look, a personality, a desire, an intrigue—without the skills to maturely relate. And without those skills and perspective, the chemistry easily explodes into chaos, confusion, and loneliness.
One of the devastating effects of prolonged narcissistic abuse is gaslighting, leading victims to doubt their own sanity. She may ask herself if she is the narcissist because she has begun to internalize the abuser’s accusations.
Where’d you park? Not literally — I mean in your life. Your marriage. Your walk with God. The people you keep close.
Most of us never stop to ask. And if you’re anything like the people I sit across from every week, some part of you already knows why: looking honestly at where you’ve parked means admitting you might need to move.
Most of the time, we let feelings drive our behavior like mindless fools, not realizing we’ve given away our own power to enjoy the moments for what they are. We make a meaning and attribute a motive to what we think we see, and that becomes the “perception” that fuels our feelings. Those feelings become the motivation and direction of our responses.
You’ve been told God is using this relationship to sanctify you. Sometimes that’s true. But the stir in your heart isn’t always pointing at your idols. Sometimes it’s pointing at a problem in the room. Here’s how to tell refining from harming.