You typed it into a search bar at two in the morning and carried it around like a confession. Here is the first thing worth knowing about that question: a person who is genuinely narcissistic almost never asks it.
You found a word and for one clarifying moment, something finally made sense. Welcome to “So That’s What It’s Called,” a series that goes slower than the internet and deeper than the checklist, so you leave with language precise enough to actually hold what you’re carrying.
This title is a bit of a trick question. We’re taught to be wary of others, which assumes our “safety” depends on our ability to correctly discern others’ meaning and motives. That is part of the equation, yes. But, it sets us up to live in suspicion and fear.
In this part of our series on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, we focus on recovery. Standard, run-of-the-mill approaches are potentially dangerous for couples stuck in power and control cycles. As coaches and counselors, we must protect the victim from further harm and work to potentially bring them to a place of collaboration. The dominating partner must become connection-oriented before collaboration can occur. Which means that couples work is not the first step.
Our working definition of emotional abuse is that it is an ongoing pattern of selfish, destructive behaviors used to gain and maintain control over their spouse for one’s own benefit at the expense of their spouse. Underlying this pattern of behavior is a strong sense of entitlement to use others regardless of the cost to them. Narcissistic, emotional abuse eventually culminates in a very complicated case of un-health. The soul-crushing experience of being dismissed, unheard and unseen, belittled, and silenced culminates in becoming a dead (wo)man walking.
Most women in destructive relationships spend enormous energy trying to answer one question: why does he do what he does? It feels like if you could just understand his intent, you could either excuse the pain — or finally know how to stop it.
Here’s what I want you to see instead: why is rarely the question that helps. It doesn’t excuse, and it never makes the pain smaller. The question that actually moves you forward is much simpler — what needs to happen next?
That’s where boundaries come in. And I want to give you one of the simplest tools I use with clients to find them.
When things have gotten dire enough to seek help, it’s often hard to know what to count on from your spouse regarding the future of your relationship. You desperately want to plant your feet into something solid and reliable. Therefore, it makes complete sense that you’d want to know if the changes being made are “real.” So, how can you tell?