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Tag: shame & self-blame
Emotional Abuse & Coercive Control

Hostage to The Misplaced Responsibility

I’m going to make a statement that might initially cause a strong reaction in you, but please hear me out. Ultimately, my goal is to find that precious, sacred, powerful point at which we become intentional about living, even in the midst of a destructive, stifling world. It is at that point where we have the God-given agency to make a choice about our next step, and about who we are and how we are showing up. The hardest question to answer is: How?

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March 30, 2023 No Comments
Emotional Abuse & Coercive Control

Rightfully Angry

For both men and women, anger is a key building block in their wall of self-protection. It supports defense mechanisms and fuels the façades we wear. Anger can make it very difficult to be authentic and connect to your spouse. The only connection that can happen is to whatever is in front of your shield of self-protection, which is often a very shallow, non-vulnerable self. In being self-protective, you disable the very thing your heart craves: authentic connection.

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February 2, 2020 No Comments
Woman walking in the woods, finding her way and her footing.
Emotional Abuse & Coercive Control

Abuse as Misplaced Responsibility

Many of my clients start their story by saying, “It has taken me way too long to get the courage to speak up about this. I am so ashamed of letting myself stay in this abuse for so long!” They often feel a sense of misplaced responsibility, thinking they could have have seen and stopped it. Or that they should have been better, sexier, more fun, a better housekeeper, more submissive, more respectful. They often believe that if they were just less selfish, they could have made him happy. “If I had just done it differently, I could have figured this out and fixed it.”

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November 11, 2018 No Comments
Emotional Abuse & Coercive Control

Staring Abuse in the Face

One of the devastating effects of prolonged narcissistic abuse is gaslighting, leading victims to doubt their own sanity. She may ask herself if she is the narcissist because she has begun to internalize the abuser’s accusations.

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October 4, 2018 No Comments
Looking at the scene turned upside down through the refraction of a glass ball
Staying, Leaving & Limbo

Losing Friends After Divorce: Letting Go of Rejection

The people who disappeared after your divorce did not take a vote on your worth, though it lands exactly that way. Understanding why they went is not the same as excusing it — and it is the only thing that makes releasing them possible.

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July 8, 2016 No Comments
Boundaries & Agency

“Where’d You Park?” — A Self-Evaluation for Breaking Free of Stubborn Pride, Fear, and Complacency

Where’d you park? Not literally — I mean in your life. Your marriage. Your walk with God. The people you keep close.

Most of us never stop to ask. And if you’re anything like the people I sit across from every week, some part of you already knows why: looking honestly at where you’ve parked means admitting you might need to move.

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February 14, 2016 No Comments
Man sitting with his head in his hand
Identity & Self-Recovery

What’s the Shame After Abuse about? Smoke and Mirrors

Shame does not announce itself. It shows up as busyness, as a hobby you have thrown yourself into, as a quiet decision not to reach for the thing being offered. It looks like humility from the outside. It is doing something else entirely.

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June 5, 2015 No Comments