The Glue of Attachment
Attachment is what holds humanity together, the heartbeat of our emotional, physical, and spiritual survival. We’re wired for connection. We crave it – not just for comfort, but for existence itself. Think about babies: they need more than just a bottle and a clean diaper to thrive. Without cuddles, eye contact, and sweet nothings whispered in their ears, they risk “failure to thrive,” a heartbreaking condition that can stunt development or even lead to death. It’s a stark reality that attachment is in our design, a biological and emotional lifeline.
When trauma disrupts this bond, it fractures the very connections that define who we are and where we belong. Trauma is an attachment injury.
Trauma: A Wound to Belonging and Being Known
Trauma is not just a scar on the body or mind – it’s a profound wound to our human attachment, the sacred sense of belonging and being rightly known. Why is this so deeply important? Because it is what love – and relationship with God- requires. At its core, attachment is about feeling seen, valued, and anchored in relationships that affirm our identity. Trauma, whether from a single devastating event like a near-death experience or the slow erosion of safety in an abusive relationship, severs this anchor. It tells us we’re not valued, not worthy, or not truly known, leaving us adrift in a world that feels hostile or indifferent.
And, ultimately, this severs our understanding of the God who created us and invites us to relate to Him… and Who is the sole key to redeeming the brokenness.
Trauma isn’t simply about our sense of safety. But our sense of belonging and identity.
This wound to belonging manifests in countless ways. A child neglected by caregivers may grow up questioning their worth, carrying a gnawing sense that they don’t fit anywhere. A survivor of betrayal might struggle to trust, fearing that opening up will lead to rejection. Even in less overt traumas, like the loss of a loved one or a public humiliation, the injury lies in the message: you are alone, it all up to you to protect yourself, and you are not enough. These experiences rewrite our internal narrative, making us doubt our place in the world and our right to be seen for who we truly are.
Consider the story of Adam and Eve. After their sin, they hid from God, who asked, “Where are you?” despite knowing their exact location. This question pierced beyond the physical—it was a call to their emotional and spiritual state. Their sin shattered their intimacy with God, leaving them ashamed and disconnected. He was asking them where they were, not because he didn’t know, but because he wanted them to introspectively consider where their hearts were now because of the trauma.
Trauma does the same to us, driving us into hiding and convincing us that our authentic selves are unworthy of love or belonging. Trauma pushes us into disconnection and fear most poignantly because of the messages we take away from the event (s) about our belonging and identity. We embrace lies about our worth, our value, our personhood, and our place in the world.
Hiding: The Safety Trap
Hiding is trauma’s default defense. It’s like wrapping ourselves in emotional armor—safe from harm, but cut off from connection. The FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) or false shame that come from the trauma of rejection, abandonment, neglect and abuse can keep us disconnected for decades! Psychological attachment styles map out these defenses: anxious types cling desperately for reassurance, avoidant ones build impenetrable walls, and disorganized folks oscillate between the two. Each style is a survival tactic, born from the fear that being truly known will lead to rejection or pain.
These styles are our personal blueprints for staying safe, but they are grounded in strongholds meant to keep us from connection. (Why? Because it is within connection we experience God and are most authentically who He created us to be. And we have a very real enemy who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy that.)
Recognizing your attachment style is like finding a compass in a storm. It reveals how trauma has shaped your approach to relationships and offers a starting point for change. Want to move from clinging to confidence or from isolation to intimacy? It’s possible, but it requires facing the lies trauma has planted about your worth and place in the world.
Healing: Love Needs a Dance Partner
Healing from trauma means stepping out of hiding and reclaiming your right to belong. It’s about challenging the false narratives that say you’re unlovable or unworthy and rebuilding the connections that affirm your identity. This journey starts with vulnerability—allowing yourself to be seen, flaws and all, by safe people who can reflect your worth back to you.
Love, at its essence, needs a recipient to be complete. Without someone to receive it, love is just an echo in the void. Healing follows the same principle: it’s fulfilled through relationships where you can give and receive authentic connection. This might mean therapy to unpack your wounds, journaling to rediscover your voice, or sharing your story with a trusted friend. Each step is a declaration that you deserve to be known and loved for who you are. The payoff? Relationships that feel like home.
The Road to Reconnection
Trauma might be an attachment injury, but it doesn’t have the final word. By understanding how it fractures our attachments and recognizing the ways we hide, we can chart a path to healing. Change your attachment style by breaking the stronghold of the lies you’ve come to believe through trauma.
You can rebuild what’s been broken, stolen, or twisted. It takes courage to shed self-protection, embrace vulnerability, and seek out those who can truly see us. But in doing so, we restore the bonds that trauma has broken, rediscovering the joy of being rightly known and deeply connected. You can rediscover the attachment that resonates in the depths of your soul.
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