Attachment in Relationships: Understanding Trauma and Connections
In a previous blog, I briefly described a simple framework for understanding the impact of trauma and the implications this has on the depth and breadth of relationships. (You can read it here.) I want to unpack a few more thoughts about the role of attachment on health.
There is a curious power to attachment theory and the role it plays in complicating trauma. I believe attachment issues underlie every psychological disorder and diagnosis. In my intro above, I started to write “…the role of attachment on psychological health.” But, it goes much deeper than that. I think it has a role is every aspect of our health – biological, psychological, sociological, spiritual, and relational.
God’s Design for Attachment
God himself said, “it is not good for man to be alone!” So, he created Eve. Why? Because God is most clearly reflected in attachment, in love. God is experienced in relationship, in knowing, and in being connected. But it didn’t take long for all hell to break loose. We have a very real enemy that has sworn to do everything within his power to make sure that God is not seen or experienced or known. So the very thing God said was not good, is exactly what we end up sitting in, and then wondering why we can’t function.
Think about it. The moment Adam and Eve ate that fruit, everything broke. It became unattached. Every single part of creation was now marked by death. Immediately, they were afraid, exposed, and ashamed.
The Result of Broken Attachment: Hiding and Self-Destruction
So much so, they thought they could hide from the God who created them. They went into hiding and mankind has been hiding ever since. But, self-protection (from shame and exposure of true self) almost always becomes self-destruction. The end result is we are not known. The only thing that is known is whatever façade we’ve maintained, but because it is not real, there is no real connection or attachment. Which means we move through the world, never really showing up, never really known, and thus, never really feeling loved.
And THAT is the greatest trauma to our souls.
The Loop of Fear and Hiding
The loop we get stuck in is that it is written on our souls to be known but fear keeps us in hiding.
- “If they really knew me, they would not love me.”
- “I can’t let them see me, because they will reject me.”
- “But I need them to know me! I’m desperate to be known rightly.”
- “I’m created to be loved, but love is too dangerous and traumatic.”
And so we continue to view the world with fear and suspicion, and perpetuate the trauma. We move through life prepared to defend ourselves from harm, and in the process build shallow facades we hide behind pretending we’re safe while utterly alone.
The Impact of Psychological Invalidation on Attachment
Hand in hand with unhealthy attachment is a concept called psychological invalidation. This is a form of emotional abuse that sends the message that someone’s internal experiences and perceptions are unimportant, meaningless, or false. Feelings, concerns, thoughts, and hopes are dismissed or minimized as unreasonable, unacceptable, or silly and immature.
Most often, emotional invalidation begins in the developmental years by parental figures. Children are often “managed” with a goal of peace, quiet, and obedience in mind. Especially within religious circles and church culture, compliance is equated with perfection. In other words, the perfect child is the smiling, obedient one, and definitely NOT the one who thinks or acts creatively, outside the box, or in ways that call into question the “authority” of their “elders.” Compliant obedience.
Impact of Emotional Invalidation
Emotional invalidation denies others the room to deeply experience the range and depth of perspective their own soul has been created for. It is a refusal to accept that person for who they are and what they bring to the table. The end result, as with all emotional abuse, is self-doubt, hopelessness, and deep disconnection. They feel alienated, inferior, confused, worthless, and burdensome.
The lens of trauma here says that to be loved, one must hide and conform. Again, feeding into attachment theory, hiding never results in secure, deep attachment and connection.
Seeking Help for Attachment Impact on Relationships
If you would like to gently begin to unpack what your own trauma has done to your heart, we’d love to help!
