A Common Story
My wife walked out on me 3 years ago, just a few days before our 23rd anniversary. She said she didn’t love me, that she never really had. We had never really been emotionally connected, according to her. She said she was tired of being a fake, and now that our children were grown and on their own, she wanted to make a new life for herself.
We looked like the perfect couple to everyone else. It seemed like we were a good team, and that we were building this life together. To everyone else, she was thoughtful, kind, fun, and easy-going. She was to me, too! Until she decided she was done being fake, as she called it. Both my wife and I are Christians, and I told her I will not file the divorce, but leave that up to her. I don’t want that on my head. I took on her debts, let her take what she wanted, and have kept the door open for her to come home because that is what I thought I was supposed to do.
But, I’ll admit I was deeply angry at the world, at God, at my own struggle between loving and hating her. I also found that the reprieve I experienced when she left was powerful, even as it was bittersweet. My physical and emotional health actually improved, and I began to ask myself this question: Why would I ever want her back? Why should I? What ultimate benefit will come from sticking through the heartache now, to keep the door open for a person who has hurt me deeply, for the unlikely hope that maybe a reasonable reconciliation will happen? What’s the point? I love her, but at this time she is not welcome in my life.
What to Do Next When Your Spouse Walks Out: A Path to Healing and Clarity
This is a common story I hear, coming from both men and women. I think what I hear between the lines is the struggle between what you “should” do based on your Christian background and what your gut is telling you to do to protect yourself from being further hurt and move on with your life. And, in the end, only you can answer the question of what to do next. I can, however, give you some things to consider to walk through this thoughtfully and with more wisdom.
Foundational Thoughts for The Next Steps
What work is God doing in your heart as you work through all this loss, heartache, and confusion? How is He inviting you to trust Him more with every detail of your life, including your feelings toward your spouse? Where do you sense Him pulling you? Transforming you? Shaving off the rough edges? Ultimately, I believe every situation boils down to God’s work in our brokenness to reveal His sovereignty.
Using Boundaries to Stay Authentic
How are you living out being a conduit of grace and mercy? God calls us to honor Him by imitating Him. What does grace and mercy toward your spouse look like? Like each of us, she/he is a broken person in need of God’s grace. It does not mean enabling/tolerating. Think of the times Jesus spoke out harshly against sin, self-righteousness, and evil. Loving from a distance might be the most gracious thing you could do. Identify your own guardrails, boundaries, of what you will or will not engage in so you can heal. What keeps you sane, grounded, steadfast, and feeling good about how you show up?
Seeking the Holy Spirit’s Guidance
How is the Holy Spirit leading you? What do you sense Him saying to you? It could very well be that He shows Himself strongest in your life by not welcoming your spouse back. Or, maybe, His strength is most evident by reconciliation. The most important part is that you are letting your life be poured out to Him and that you follow His lead. This takes intentionally daily laying yourself at the foot of the cross and surrendering your day to Him. My prayer has often been, “God, whatever you have for me today, the answer is yes.” I want to show up in what he’s put in front of me, and also trust him with the outcomes.
Finding Hope and Healing
I know this doesn’t specifically answer the question of what to do next. However, I hope it helps give a hopeful perspective for healing. Healing still has to be done with or without the reconciliation of the marriage. If you would love to dive in more deeply, our expert coaches would love to help!
