Key Markers in Relationships
Have you ever wondered if your emotionally distant partner is a dismissive avoidant or a narcissist? While these two traits might look similar, the reasons for the manifestation of these traits are fundamentally different.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
A dismissive avoidant attachment style is rooted in early experiences. These individuals value their independence and often suppress their emotional needs because, in childhood, vulnerability wasn’t supported.
Narcissism
Narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. It is a spectrum of increasingly destructive behaviors from very covert to overt which, at their extreme end, are often diagnosed as a personality disorder. It often stems from childhood experiences as well.
The Marker of Emotional Distance
The Dismissive Avoidant partner will avoid emotional closeness because it feels overwhelming or unsafe. It’s not about control or manipulation, but self-protection.
The Narcissistic partner, on the other hand, creates emotional distance to maintain power, control, or an inflated sense of superiority. It’s often about their needs and they really don’t care about the needs of others.
Empathy and Emotional Awareness
The Dismissive Avoidant struggles to express or process emotions, but they can still care deeply about others—they’re just disconnected from their feelings.
True Narcissists lack empathy, meaning they struggle to genuinely care about the feelings or needs of others. They are unable to see others as separate and distinct from themselves, and therefore unable to imagine that others have their own feelings or perceptions.
Response to Conflict
The Dismissive Avoidant’s tendency is to shut down, withdraw, or avoid confrontation to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability.
The Narcissist on the other hand, might escalate conflict, become defensive, or even attack verbally to protect their fragile ego and sense of control.
Sense of Self and Self-Esteem
The Dismissive Avoidant have a strong sense of independence and may SEEM confident, but their self-esteem can be fragile beneath the surface. They wear this “mask” that makes them appear like they have it all together, but beneath that façade, the little child who wasn’t loved, validated or supported, still struggles.
Narcissists often display an exaggerated sense of self-importance, masking deep insecurities they are in denial about. They are usually quite the attention seeker, and from a distance, will appear to be the life of the party. The “mask” they tend to wear is that they are superior to all others. For example, they are the ones in the “know.” They have the handle on truth. Their self-esteem is founded upon being “right.”
Interpersonal Goals
The Dismissive Avoidant may want love and connection but struggle to trust or depend on others. They are afraid they will be rejected if they were truly seen.
The Narcissist is not motivated by love, their motivation is usually about what you can do for them, while you just accept that your happiness or needs really don’t count. They seek admiration or validation rather than genuine connection. Again, they are driven by being right.
Capacity for Change
The Dismissive Avoidant, with time, self-awareness, appropriate boundaries and sometimes therapy, dismissive avoidants can work on their attachment issues and build healthy relationships.
True narcissists rarely seek help or change, as they often don’t see their behavior as a problem. The more adamant they are about their superiority or position, the less likely they will be motivated to seek the growth required for connection.
Impact on Their Partners
The Dismissive Avoidant partners might feel emotionally neglected but can still experience moments of connection and care.
The Narcissist’s partner often feels used, manipulated, or emotionally drained because the relationship is centered around the narcissist’s needs with no room to hear otherwise.
Recognizing the Difference
While both dismissive avoidants and narcissists may struggle with emotional intimacy, the key difference lies in their motivations and capacity for empathy. Understanding these differences can help you better navigate relationships.
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This is Dr. Christine, and I look forward to working with you.
