Most of my clients have spent a significant portion of their healing wrestling with the fallout of disastrous, crushing, confusing relationships. Once they’ve unpacked what has happened and accepted whatever reason they might’ve landed upon as to why, the next question is almost always some sort of variation of How do I make sure I don’t get sucked into another relationship like this again?
Who Do You Entrust Your Heart To?
When we hear the phrase “Don’t ignore the red flags!” we almost always think about identifying the immature or toxic people in our lives. We train ourselves to spot manipulation, dishonesty, or emotional unavailability in others. But in doing so, we often adopt an external frame of reference—one that leaves us doubting our ability to trust our own instincts. It becomes a process of constantly diagnosing others, scanning for signs of danger, and fearing that we might miss something crucial.
But what if we turned that directive inward? What if, instead of focusing solely on other people’s red flags, we learned to recognize our own? That is, instead of trying to figure out the meaning and the motive of others’ behavior, what if we strengthened our own sense of direction? By “red flags” I mean those things in us that aren’t conducive to growing authentic, strong relationships. It’s the fears, the hang-ups, the maladaptive coping mechanisms, the shame and the unhealed trauma responses. All things that limit our ability to rightly recognize what’s going on externally because it is the internal lens through which we are defining them.
An internal frame of reference allows you to make decisions based on your own self-awareness, rather than fear of what might be “real” or “false” about someone else. It shifts the focus from distrusting others to building trust in yourself.
Your Own Red Flags to Notice
Instead of asking, “Can I trust this person?” begin by asking, “Am I in a place where I can trust my own judgment?” and, “Do I give myself permission to be intentional about choosing my own steps?” Here are three red flags to check within yourself:
1. Fear vs. Courage
Fear can be a valuable messenger, but if it’s running the show, it can cloud your ability to make healthy decisions. Are you moving toward a relationship out of fear of being alone? Are you staying in a relationship out of fear of conflict or abandonment? When fear leads, it’s hard to discern what’s truly good for you. Courage, on the other hand, is still very aware of the dangers of the environment
2. Ability to Express Your Self
A relationship isn’t healthy if you don’t feel safe expressing your own personhood, your self. This includes what you think, feel, question, and need. If you hesitate to speak up, downplay your needs, or find yourself over-explaining to justify simple requests, that’s a red flag. The right relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or professional—allow you to show up as you are, without fear of rejection or retaliation. And they make room to seek understanding and collaborate on solutions.
3. Understanding and Managing Your Emotions
Do you trust yourself to interpret your own emotions accurately? If you constantly second-guess your feelings, suppress them, or struggle to make sense of them, that’s something to pay attention to. Your emotions are data, not inconveniences. If you don’t feel emotionally grounded, it becomes harder to differentiate between genuine connection and unhealthy attachment. You will find yourself making yourself smaller and smaller to fit into someone else’s box.
Moving Toward Trusting Your Gut
Instead of making decisions based on the fear of missing red flags in others, start by strengthening your ability to recognize and address the ones within yourself. When you build self-trust, you naturally become more discerning about who you allow into your heart—without having to live in constant suspicion. Your steps become steadfast, and that translates to the kind of relationships you build.
What are the red flags within you that might be influencing your choices? Start there, and the rest will follow. We’d love to help you unravel your thoughts and ground your footing for whatever comes next for you. Reach out today and let’s get started!
