Navigating the Deep End: An Analogy of Relationships
When you jump into the deep end, by default you flail around and desperately try to get your head above the water. Learning just a few important approaches can reduce the panic. Consequently, turning it into pleasure as you learn to look around and see more to this adventure than desperation and flailing.
The Misconception of Relational Chemistry
Relationships are a lot like that. We enter them attracted by something—a look, a personality, a desire, an intrigue—without the skills to maturely relate. And without those skills and perspective, the chemistry easily explodes into chaos, confusion, and loneliness. Many of us are unaware that there are constructive attitudes and approaches to be learned. We jump in thinking it will come naturally, not realizing that “naturally” often means a fight/flight response at the first disagreement. We think the chemistry between us will be enough to keep us afloat. But, without knowing how to build a real emotional connection, the tendency is to either get out or drown.
You know the adage, “You never miss what you never had”? Even within the context of relationships, that’s true. If you’ve never had a good relationship, you don’t know what to look for. And, when you’re treated poorly, you don’t realize it. Without knowing what you’re missing, you have no context to include or protect the elements that make a marriage great.
The Difference Between Chemistry and Emotional Connection
Think about this: You wouldn’t say that swimming in a kiddie pool was real swimming. But if that’s all you’d ever known, when you heard people talking about swimming, that’s what you’d picture. You would have no concept of what the deep end or the ocean was like. You’d call yourself a swimmer. You get wet, enjoy it, splash around, and have fun. When you got tired of it, you’d stand up and step out. That’s a little like calling “chemistry” the same thing as “emotional connection” needed for a deep, authentic relationship.
Reconnecting with Your Spouse
Are you confused about how to regain that sense of “rightness” in your relationship with your spouse? Remember those early days when you couldn’t stop thinking about them, couldn’t imagine not being with them, and everything felt so deep and right? Now you’re at a place where you can’t understand the person standing next to you, can’t figure out why there is so much disconnection, and it’s difficult to feel any attraction. For the most part, you don’t have much hope that any connection can be rebuilt.
However, the hope comes in knowing that what you had in those early days wasn’t real connection, no matter how deep it felt. This implies that with a little know-how, you could turn this marriage into something different and better than you’ve ever had. It also implies that you have a clean slate because you’ve never really experienced deep connection before, so you have nothing to compare it to. Without preconceived expectations clouding your perception, you can recognize the extra strokes and breathing techniques needed to swim in the deep end of marriage.
Moving Beyond Chemistry to True Emotional Connection
If you keep trying to fit “emotional connection” into the paradigm of “chemistry,” you will never see how to change your approach. Every time your “chemistry” fades in a relationship, you’ll keep jumping out of the kiddie pool, never even trying to experience the thrill of diving into the deep.
Practical Steps to Building Emotional Connection
Here are some suggestions to make love a choice and actively participate in building deeper emotional connection:
- Start in Your Own Head: Give yourself permission to identify your own feelings, hopes, desires, and plans. Show up to life living from your own core self, and let your spouse do the same.
- Eliminate Destructive Behavior: Get rid of any habits or behavior that bring destruction to your connection.
- Establish a “Connection” Night: Schedule time to talk about important things (and avoid work-related topics). Focus on hearing, not fixing. It doesn’t have to be called a date night.
- Be Real and Authentic: If you don’t offer a real you to relate to, you won’t have a real connection. Vulnerability leads to connection.
- Act Out Love as Defined by Scripture: Loving like Christ loved is the biggest key to opening the door for real, deep emotional connection. Love should always be an invitation to be in a relationship, never about coercion or control.
Taking the Next Step
You might feel overwhelmed and hopeless about bringing connection into your marriage. If that’s the case, start with one thing and go from there. Build upon what is good, right, and true—things that bring your heart back to life and allow you to breathe. If you would like knowledgeable help, we would love to come alongside you to navigate the steps together. Reach out to schedule a session with one of our expert coaches.
