Attachment has a Role

There is a curious power to attachment theory and the role it plays in complicating trauma. I believe attachment issues underlie every psychological disorder and diagnosis. In my intro above, I started to write “…the role of attachment on psychological health.” But, it goes much deeper than that. I think it has a role is every aspect of our health – biological, psychological, sociological, spiritual, and relational.

Trauma-informed Living

o one gets through life unscathed by harm and trauma. We live in a world that is marred and broken. Nothing is truly as it has been written upon our hearts to be. At every step, we have learned. Something that distinguishes us from the rest of creation is the ability to project our learning to determine our next steps, to create, plan, and build our future. As we mature, what we’ve learned through extrinsic memory (those things we had to pay attention to and concentrate on to learn) tends to become aligned with our interests, curiosities, and passions. We pay attention to what is relevant, those things we believe will be useful and helpful and successful for us.

His New Nickname

We get stuck in loops trying to figure out why our spouse (or any other significant other) does what they do to us. It’s as if we understood the intent, it could excuse the pain or angst we feel toward them. Or, we turn it all inward and ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with ME?”

Maybe if we could figure out why he does what he does, we could also figure out how to better avoid it. Or fix it. Or be able to get him to change because we could explain it and connect all the dots to make sense for him why it would be so easy to change and do differently.

Random Thoughts About Submission

Submission that is demanded ceases to be submission and has instead become servitude.  Love that is demanded ceases to be love.  At that point, it simply becomes obedience. Obligation. No longer a free choice of the free will. The demand destroys the essence of what it was meant to be.  And the soul shrivels up. It’s the same idea as being submitted to God.  God doesn’t demand it, but let’s it be a matter of choice.  The choice is what makes it meaningful. 

Is This Change For Real?

When things have gotten dire enough to seek help, it’s often hard to know what to count on from your spouse regarding the future of your relationship. You desperately want to plant your feet into something solid and reliable.  Therefore, it makes complete sense that you’d want to know if the changes being made are “real.” So, how can you tell?

Rightfully Angry

For both men and women, anger is a key building block in their wall of self-protection. It supports defense mechanisms and fuels the façades we wear. Anger can make it very difficult to be authentic and connect to your spouse. The only connection that can happen is to whatever is in front of your shield of self-protection, which is often a very shallow, non-vulnerable self. In being self-protective, you disable the very thing your heart craves: authentic connection.

Staying Intentional When Your Spouse Walks Out

I think what I hear between the lines is the struggle between what you “should” do based on your Christian background and what your gut is telling you to do to protect yourself from being further hurt and move on with your life.

Chemistry is Not Connection

We enter relationships attracted by something—a look, a personality, a desire, an intrigue—without the skills to maturely relate. And without those skills and perspective, the chemistry easily explodes into chaos, confusion, and loneliness.

Shame’s Smoke and Mirrors

Living life out of your shame sabotages the things God puts in your life to bring restoration. Your shame tells you that you don’t deserve the gift He has laid before you, so you push it away by hiding behind a facade. Whether it’s pouring your energy into work or hobbies, getting lost in an addiction, or simply not pursuing the gift like the treasure it was meant to be, shame drives these behaviors.

The Secret to Inner Strength

The light of your personhood, the part of you that impacts the souls of those around you, flows out of His grace. This means it ultimately comes from Him, not from your own will or self-determination.  It is the visible evidence that fleshes out the reflection of His image in you.