A Boundary to Stay Sane in Relationships
We get stuck in loops trying to figure out why our spouse (or any other significant other) does what they do to us. It’s as if we understood the intent, it could excuse the pain or angst we feel toward them. Or, we turn it all inward and ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with ME?”
Maybe if we could figure out why he does what he does, we could also figure out how to better avoid it. Or fix it. Or be able to get him to change because we could explain it and connect all the dots to make sense for him why it would be so easy to change and do differently.
The problem is, answering why almost never brings a satisfactory solution. It rarely excuses and never, ever makes the pain less. A much better question to answer is, “What needs to happen next?”
The Importance of Boundaries
Even that can be hard to figure out. Ultimately, the answer will entail a good use of boundaries. As a quick reminder, boundaries are the things you put into place to keep you grounded, centered, and congruent. The strength of a boundary comes from you and what you do to maintain your heading. This test matters most for the women who’ve stopped trusting their own read on things — usually after years inside a controlling marriage.
A Tool for Establishing Boundaries
One tool I like to use to figure out what a boundary should be is to rename your spouse, Anyone Else. Think of the scenarios you experience with your spouse. If Anyone Else treated you like that, what would you do? How would you respond if Anyone Else said that to you, whatever that is? If Anyone Else didn’t let you bring yourself to the table, to talk about the things that matter to you, how long would you keep trying to make it happen anyway? If Anyone Else raged at you when one of his implied rules got broken, what would you do?
Recognizing and Enforcing Boundaries
Why are you letting your spouse get away with what you wouldn’t let Anyone Else get away with? What do you gain by giving him a pass that no one else gets? What is really at stake? And what are you giving up instead? It may be that what you think you might lose by telling him no, or by disengaging, is actually something you already don’t have. And that by holding to your boundaries you are more effectively opening the door to gain those things you long for in your relationship.
Seeking Help for Better Boundaries
If you’re ready to stop making exceptions for behavior you’d never accept from anyone else, this is exactly the work we do inside Identity Recovery Groups and 1:1 coaching. Boundaries aren’t about punishing him — they’re about coming back home to yourself.
This is also the work the boundaries course was built for — not scripts to win arguments, but the framework underneath them. Self-paced course. Check it out!
About the author. Sharmen Elaine Kimbrough is an identity strategist and the founder of LiveFound, Inc. She holds a Master’s degree in professional counseling and spent more than ten years developing and leading the women’s programs at the Marriage Recovery Center. She writes for women recovering a self after emotional abuse, coercive control, and spiritual bypassing. More about Sharmen →
