Disclaimer: This adaptation is from my presentation at the AACC 2018 Mega-National Conference, a lecture given to counselors, pastors, church leaders and people-helpers. My largest population of victims of abuse are women, but we understand that men can be victims, as well. Exchange the pronouns in this blog to reflect that as needed.
Recognize the False Narrative
We have a great propensity to deny what we don’t want to see. It’s often hard to imagine anyone being as cruel as the spouse you hear about in your clients’ experiences. When this person is someone you also know from your community or church, the denial can be fierce.
However, it’s essential to understand that people can present very differently behind closed doors. Think about your own life. You or someone you know closely may have hidden aspects that differ significantly from the public persona. Denying and ignoring what is destructive helps no one.
The Courage to Speak Up
Consider this: What does she gain by making up her story? The overwhelming majority of women who speak up about what is happening in their marriage stand to lose much—community, reputation, financial support, family, church, and a significant portion of their faith. Exposure of the emotional abuse in her marriage will alter everything she knows. Everything.
The only thing she seeks to gain? Safety.
The Harm of Well-Meaning Advice
It’s too common in Christian environments to send the message that being a godly wife means enduring more, praying more, and waiting for God to convict the husband. She has been groomed to believe that since she is not the Holy Spirit, she is not to speak out against the sinful behavior. Instead, She is told to move out of His way. She doesn’t speak up, and certainly doesn’t insist on being treated differently. As encouraged to, she looks only at her own “sin” to stop withholding her body, and to quietly obey.
Perpetuating the False Narrative
We compound the harm by perpetuating the idea that being a godly, submissive woman means enduring abuse until her husband is convicted about it. This implies that marriage is exempt from the “rules of engagement” the Bible lays out for relationships. She is taught to endure the abuse until her husband changes, often believing it is a valiant role to endure such pain at his expense.
What Convicts the Abuser?
What will convict the abuser? He is not convicted by the damage or pain he causes. More often than not, he continues his behavior because it gets him what he wants. Why would he be motivated to change? It works for him, and he doesn’t have to answer to anyone.
Shining the Light of Christ
While these relationships are messy, insidious, and sinful, it is our job to shine the light of Christ into them, not to protect ourselves by dismissing the harm or offering platitudes about God’s power to fix it. We must challenge the notion that a wife must submit and endure abuse without protest.
What Else Does God Hate?
Consider the things God hates: pride, oppression, a perverse mouth, a lying tongue, hypocrisy, arrogance, stirring up strife, those who love violence, robbery, and wrongdoing. These behaviors often precede divorce. In all cases of abuse, the perpetrator uses intimidation, humiliation, isolation, and fear to diminish their victim’s sense of self and sanity, defying the image of God.
The Misguided Focus on Staying Married in Abuse
If the main focus is pressure to “stay married,” we gloss over and minimize the bad behavior that must change for the marriage to reflect God. How can coercion and control fit into the Biblical picture of God’s love? Jesus never enabled or condoned sin. He never exploited His power to control others or coerced anyone to stay in a relationship with Him. It was always an invitation.
Our mission is not to endure abuse but to be light in the darkness, stand up against sin, and reflect the kind of love that leads people to God. The best chance for true heart change in a marriage is to eradicate destructive behavior, not to teach the spouse to endure more. God cares more about the relationship and how it represents Him than a piece of paper signed by a judge. The whole reason He granted a writ of divorce was because of men’s hard hearts that defied His design for marriage.
Better or Worse Does Not Mean Enduring Abuse
Better or worse does not mean that she must stay when he turns into a monster. God has a much better blueprint for what he called marriage to be.
If you have been awakened and encouraged by my posts, we can help you find your way out of emotional abuse toward healing. Schedule a session today with one of our expert coaches.
