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free resources & guides for healing

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: Overview

Our working definition of emotional abuse is that it is an ongoing pattern of selfish, destructive behaviors used to gain and maintain control over their spouse for one’s own benefit at the expense of their spouse. Underlying this pattern of behavior is a strong sense of entitlement to use others regardless of the cost to them. Narcissistic, emotional abuse eventually culminates in a very complicated case of un-health. The soul-crushing experience of being dismissed, unheard and unseen, belittled, and silenced culminates in becoming a dead (wo)man walking.

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Hostage to The Misplaced Responsibility

I’m going to make a statement that might initially cause a strong reaction in you, but please hear me out. Ultimately, my goal is to find that precious, sacred, powerful point at which we become intentional about living, even in the midst of a destructive, stifling world. It is at that point where we have the God-given agency to make a choice about our next step, and about who we are and how we are showing up. The hardest question to answer is: How?

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What is your bias?

Another nuance impacting attachment is confirmation bias. This might seem a bit random in the context of trauma, but there is a strong correlation between confirmation bias and resistance to change, thus resistance to healing. What we’ve deeply learned, both intrinsically and extrinsically, determines what we seek, expect, and perceive. When there is a gap in our understanding, we fill it in with our own narrative based upon previous learning. Most often we fill in those blanks with negativity and suspicion. Trauma teaches us what to watch for, what to expect, and how to perceive it.

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Attachment has a Role

There is a curious power to attachment theory and the role it plays in complicating trauma. I believe attachment issues underlie every psychological disorder and diagnosis. In my intro above, I started to write “…the role of attachment on psychological health.” But, it goes much deeper than that. I think it has a role is every aspect of our health – biological, psychological, sociological, spiritual, and relational.

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Trauma-informed Living

o one gets through life unscathed by harm and trauma. We live in a world that is marred and broken. Nothing is truly as it has been written upon our hearts to be. At every step, we have learned. Something that distinguishes us from the rest of creation is the ability to project our learning to determine our next steps, to create, plan, and build our future. As we mature, what we’ve learned through extrinsic memory (those things we had to pay attention to and concentrate on to learn) tends to become aligned with our interests, curiosities, and passions. We pay attention to what is relevant, those things we believe will be useful and helpful and successful for us.

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His New Nickname

We get stuck in loops trying to figure out why our spouse (or any other significant other) does what they do to us. It’s as if we understood the intent, it could excuse the pain or angst we feel toward them. Or, we turn it all inward and ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with ME?”

Maybe if we could figure out why he does what he does, we could also figure out how to better avoid it. Or fix it. Or be able to get him to change because we could explain it and connect all the dots to make sense for him why it would be so easy to change and do differently.

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Stop living lost, and find a way to live found.

Living lost means going from one urgent moment to the next without a purpose other than to get through that moment. It is the aimless complacency of making it through the day, just to start all over again the next with no real direction. Along the way, any relationships built tend to be shallow and unfulfilling as you work hard to hide how lost you are living. 

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