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free resources & guides for healing

Is This Change For Real?

When things have gotten dire enough to seek help, it’s often hard to know what to count on from your spouse regarding the future of your relationship. You desperately want to plant your feet into something solid and reliable.  Therefore, it makes complete sense that you’d want to know if the changes being made are “real.” So, how can you tell?

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Rightfully Angry

For both men and women, anger is a key building block in their wall of self-protection. It supports defense mechanisms and fuels the façades we wear. Anger can make it very difficult to be authentic and connect to your spouse. The only connection that can happen is to whatever is in front of your shield of self-protection, which is often a very shallow, non-vulnerable self. In being self-protective, you disable the very thing your heart craves: authentic connection.

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Staying Intentional When Your Spouse Walks Out

I think what I hear between the lines is the struggle between what you “should” do based on your Christian background and what your gut is telling you to do to protect yourself from being further hurt and move on with your life.

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Chemistry is Not Connection

We enter relationships attracted by something—a look, a personality, a desire, an intrigue—without the skills to maturely relate. And without those skills and perspective, the chemistry easily explodes into chaos, confusion, and loneliness.

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Healing Together

It is common for couples to remain in a relationship even when emotional abuse has been part of the picture. Even when the pressure of staying together is removed, she may still choose to stay for multiple layers of valid reasons. We need to create a road map to help them move toward healing together or, at least, help her detach from the abuse with good boundaries, strong character, and a safety plan to stay well.

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Abuse as Misplaced Responsibility

Many of my clients start their story by saying, “It has taken me way too long to get the courage to speak up about this. I am so ashamed of letting myself stay in this abuse for so long!” They often feel a sense of misplaced responsibility, thinking they could have have seen and stopped it. Or that they should have been better, sexier, more fun, a better housekeeper, more submissive, more respectful. They often believe that if they were just less selfish, they could have made him happy. “If I had just done it differently, I could have figured this out and fixed it.”

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Stop living lost, and find a way to live found.

Living lost means going from one urgent moment to the next without a purpose other than to get through that moment. It is the aimless complacency of making it through the day, just to start all over again the next with no real direction. Along the way, any relationships built tend to be shallow and unfulfilling as you work hard to hide how lost you are living. 

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