Diving In: The Urge to Change Someone
Today, we’re diving into one of the most common struggles people face in relationships — and that’s the idea of changing someone. Whether it’s a partner, a family member, or even a friend, so many of us hang on to the hope that if we just love them harder, show them a better way, or explain things clearer, they’ll finally become the person we believe they can be.
But here’s the million-dollar question: Can you actually change someone? And how do you know when to let go of that exhausting and ultimately damaging delusion?
I want you to stick around for this one because the truth might just set you free.
The Hard Truth: Change Comes From Within
So, let’s get into it. First of all, we need to acknowledge something: People can change. Yes, you heard me right. But — and this is a big BUT — they have to want to change. And not just in a “Yeah, yeah, I’ll try” kind of way. I mean deep, inner willingness that drives them to take accountability, put in the effort, and do the necessary work on themselves. And that motivation? It has to come from within them — not from you.
Now, if you’re pouring all your energy into trying to mold someone into who you think they should be, let me tell you — that’s a recipe for disappointment and resentment. And I know some of you are doing this from a place of genuine love. You see their potential, their goodness, their possibilities. You’re not crazy for believing in them. But you’re hurting yourself by making their transformation your mission.
People don’t change because we love them. People change because they decide to grow. If you’re feeling like you’re the only one fighting for something to get better, then you probably are. And it’s time to ask yourself a hard question: Are you loving the person they actually are, or are you in love with their potential?
Red Flags: When to Stop Trying
So, how do you know when it’s time to let go of the delusion that you can change someone?
Here are some signs to look out for:
- Their actions never match their words. They say they’ll do better, be better, but it’s always just words. Promises with no proof.
- You’re the only one putting in the effort. You find yourself doing the emotional labor, trying to keep everything together, while they remain comfortably stagnant.
- They make you feel responsible for their growth. Listen, you can support and encourage someone’s journey, but you cannot walk it for them.
- You’re constantly feeling drained. When trying to change someone is costing you your peace, your joy, and your sense of self, it’s not love anymore. It’s self-betrayal.
- You keep waiting for them to change so you can be happy. And that right there is a dead end. Your happiness should not be dependent on someone else’s growth.
Breaking Free: The Power of Letting Go
Here’s the truth: Letting go of the delusion that you can change someone is one of the most freeing, self-loving things you can do. It doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It just means you release yourself from the impossible task of trying to make someone become something they’re not ready to be.
And let’s be honest, sometimes we try to change people because we don’t want to face the reality that they may not be right for us. It’s easier to hope for change than to walk away. But the moment you choose to accept someone as they are or leave them where they are, you reclaim your power.
So, if you’re feeling trapped in a cycle of trying to change someone, I encourage you to ask yourself: What am I afraid of if I let this go? What am I losing by holding on to the fantasy instead of embracing the reality?
It’s a tough conversation to have with yourself, but it’s necessary if you want to live fully and love authentically.
Your Next Move: Choose You
And if you’re ready to dig deeper, if you want to break free from old patterns and truly step into the life you deserve, then I’d love to work with you. Just click the link below to learn more about how we can work together on your healing and growth journey.
Until next time, remember — love yourself enough to let go of what’s hurting you. Take care and be well
