Uncertainty and Fear
By Colleen
Do you ever feel like no matter how much love and reassurance you receive, it’s never quite enough to quiet the fear inside? Or are you maybe seeking love from those that avoid love. Do you overthink your partner’s words, feel uneasy when they need space, or struggle with being alone? If so, you may have an anxious attachment style. This isn’t a flaw or something “wrong” with you, it’s a pattern that likely developed early in life, shaped by experiences where love and emotional security felt uncertain.
Anxious attachment often forms in childhood when emotional connection is inconsistent, unreliable, or even absent. If caregivers sometimes met your emotional needs but at other times were withdrawn or emotionally detached, it may have taught you that love is unpredictable, that you must work for it, prove yourself, or hold on tightly to avoid losing it. It can also stem from emotional neglect or abuse, where your feelings were dismissed, invalidated, or met with indifference. When a child’s need for comfort and connection is left unmet, they often grow into adults who deeply crave closeness but struggle with the fear that love will always be just out of reach.
The Cycle of Anxiety & Emotional Distress
This fear doesn’t fade with age, it follows you into adulthood, shaping friendships, romantic relationships, and even your relationship with yourself. You might find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable people, chasing love that feels just out of reach, or feeling like you have to “earn” affection by being perfect or never causing conflict. The deep need for connection can become overwhelming, leaving you stuck in cycles of overthinking, people-pleasing, or tolerating unhealthy relationships just to avoid feeling alone. This deep fear of emotional disconnection can also create codependent dynamics, where one partner relies on the other for security which further adds to the anxiety and distress.
When anxious attachment goes unaddressed, it often leads to chronic anxiety, where the fear of emotional distance keeps your mind in a constant state of alertness. The thought of being alone may feel unbearable, leading to either clinging too tightly to relationships or keeping so busy that you never have to sit with the discomfort of it. This ongoing emotional distress can take a serious toll on your well-being.
The Toll on Your Mind & Body
Anxious attachment doesn’t just affect your emotions, it impacts your body as well. The stress of constantly seeking reassurance, fearing rejection, or overanalyzing relationships can manifest physically in ways that are often overlooked. This chronic anxiety can lead to headaches, depression, muscle tension, digestive issues, and even exhaustion from the emotional highs and lows. Sleep may become restless, and focusing on daily tasks can feel impossible when your mind is consumed with worry. Over time, if these patterns continue, the constant strain can contribute to more serious health concerns.
What Happens When an Anxious Partner Falls for an Emotionally Avoidant One?
One of the most painful dynamics occurs when someone with an anxious attachment falls in love with someone who is emotionally avoidant or detached. This pairing is common because both partners unconsciously recreate emotional patterns they are familiar with—an anxious person seeks closeness, while an avoidant person feels overwhelmed by too much emotional intensity. Here are some examples of what this may look like.
In Dating:
An anxiously attached person enters a relationship with someone who is emotionally distant. At first, the connection feels exciting, but after a few weeks, the emotionally avoidant partner begins to pull away. The anxious partner starts to fear this shift and sends multiple messages, trying to check in or re-establish closeness. The more they try, the more distant the avoidant partner becomes. The anxious partner starts overanalyzing every response, feeling deeply insecure and rejected. As the avoidant person retreats further, the anxious partner may begin accusing them of being cold or insensitive, making desperate attempts to reignite the relationship. The avoidant partner may respond with irritation, often accusing the anxious partner of being “too needy” or “too emotional.” This blame-shifting leads to further tension and emotional distance.
In Marriage:
An emotionally avoidant spouse comes home from a long day at work and withdraws into their own space, needing time to decompress. The anxiously attached partner sees this as a sign of disconnection and asks repeatedly if everything is okay. Each time, the avoidant spouse responds coldly or simply says, “I’m fine,” dismissing their partner’s need for reassurance. The anxious partner feels like they are being rejected and begins to escalate their attempts to reconnect, accusing their spouse of not caring or being emotionally unavailable. In response, the avoidant partner may criticize their spouse for being “too emotional” or “clingy,” calling them “dramatic” or accusing them of making a big deal out of nothing. These emotionally charged exchanges often lead to a situation where the anxiously attached partner is made to feel like their concerns are irrational or unimportant.
In both cases, the emotional gap widens, with the anxious partner feeling unloved and unworthy, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed and criticized. The anxious partner’s attempts to bridge the gap by seeking reassurance or creating emotional closeness often results in being criticized, called names, or gaslight. This toxic cycle can escalate into emotional or verbal abuse, where one partner feels constantly invalidated, blamed, or diminished.
The Emotional Strain of Seeking Security in the Wrong Places
When your sense of security is dependent on external validation, it creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows, you may have temporary relief when you feel reassured, followed by distress when doubt creeps back in. The mental strain of walking on eggshells to keep others happy can be exhausting, leaving you feeling emotionally depleted. The deep-rooted fear of not being “enough” can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and the belief that your emotions are a burden rather than something worthy of love and care.
The Path to Healing
Breaking free from anxious attachment patterns requires shifting from external validation to internal security. Healing involves recognizing the cycle and understanding that love doesn’t have to be pursued or earned but received freely. Learning to sit with discomfort instead of filling every moment with busyness or reassurance-seeking is essential for emotional growth. Developing a secure sense of self, rooted in God’s unwavering love, allows a person to find peace within rather than relying solely on a partner for emotional stability. By addressing these patterns with self-awareness and intentional growth, you can learn to trust that love is not something you have to chase or cling to, it is something you can receive freely and securely.
Are you ready to take another step toward healing? Let us help design your mission toward healing and freedom.
[This is part 2 in a series on Attachment. Look for my other articles which further explore each style.
Part 1 What’s Your Type?
